Saturday, August 20, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Previously on FRAYED:
- Sheeeit. Adolf fucking Hitler!
- The entrance is in Antarctica. The Vrils have built a vimana. It’s our only hope.
- It was your President Eisenhower, influenced by the Reptilians that agreed to let the annunaki enslave human clones!
- In addition I would also like to announce today, my intent to run for the office of the presidency as an independent.
- I know who you really are Oscar Combs.
Black screen with white type: "In August of 2015, five marines on a scout mission in a classified location in Afghanistan disappeared without a trace. Search missions and rescue teams discovered their food and equipment deep within an undisclosed cave. Their bodies were never found. This is their story."
The following events are completely true and all of the characters are real. None of this is fiction. You can Google it if you want.
Television announcer: This is MNN, the Mannon News Network. (As a MNN logo appears on the screen and then cuts to a studio with three talking heads.
Host: Hello, I’m Rockefeller Fantoche and I’m here today with Jimena Locadel Gato, Former Executive Director of Viva La Raza! and Democratic Party Strategist and we’re also here with Hanrei Schlemiel, Republican Party strategist and founder of BETA, an organization devoted to promoting free-market principles among people of color. Today we are discussing Kim Fonda. He recently announced that he is going to run for president as an independent. Jimena, does he have a chance?
Jimena Locadelgato: Not a chance Rockefeller. His ideas are just out of step with the times. He is literally insane. We can not trust this man with the nuclear button.
Hanrei Schlemiel: I have to agree with Jimena. I’ve heard a lot of rumors about Kim Fonda. If you look at his companies there in Silicon Valley, he has employed very very few black and latino employees. This raises very disturbing questions about his character.
Rockefeller Fantoche: Indeed, according to the EEOC, less than 10% of Kim Fonda’s employees are non-Asian minorities.
Jimena Locadelgato: Wow. Just wow. That is truly staggering in the current year, Rockefeller. All I can say is wow just wow. I can’t even.
Hanrei Schlemiel: Again, I have to agree with Jimena, Rockefeller. Also if you look at his financials, I think it is clear that he is not worth nearly as much as he says he is.
Jimena Locadelgato: Well, the man is a pathological liar Rockefeller. He just can’t stop himself from lying.
Rockefeller Fantoche: What about his latest statement that Muslims need to stop blowing things up?
Hanrei Schlemiel: It’s an outrage Rockefeller, an absolute outrage. It’s bad enough that it’s not true, but it’s even worse that it’s offensive. I can tell you that that does not reflect the Republican Party’s values
Jimena Locadelgato: And that’s something that we have bipartisan agreement on, Hanrei. Forget Democrat and Republican. That doesn’t reflect American values.
Rockefeller Fantoche: What do you make of the fact that his numbers are rising in the polls. He is now standing at 30% after his most recent comments and people seem to be responding to his call for law and order policies, rejecting globalism and free trade, closing the border and cutting ties with Israel?
Hanrei Schlemiel: Well I think it’s early yet, Rockefeller, and people aren’t paying attention. Kim Fonda has been able to demagogue himself up in the polls by sowing division and xenophobia, but it’s only a matter of time before the American people come to their senses.
Jimena Locadelgato: The people have not yet realized that Peter Fonda is literally Hitler and that we are literally living in Munich in the 1930’s. It’s very scary. I am frightened of the forces that Kim Fonda is trying to unleash. (She stifles a giggle.) It’s terrifying.
Rockefeller Fantoche: But didn’t you also say that GOP nominee Louisiana Governor Kent Bowles was literally Hitler just two months ago for wanting to limit welfare to American citizens?
Hanrei Schlemiel: A position for which Governor Bowles promptly apologized Rockefeller! To compare the two men is outlandish. Governor Bowles is a tolerant and good-hearted conservative patriot, while Kim Fonda spreads hatred and bigotry. That is not what the Republican Party stands for!
Rockefeller Fantoche: Jimena what do you make of the fact that over 40% of hispanics say that they are willing to vote for Mr Fonda?
Jimena Locadelgato: Latinos across America will soundly reject Mr Fonda’s xenophobic and divisive fear-mongering Rockefeller and you can count on that. I assure you that Latino-Americans find the prospect of building a wall along our southern border deeply offensive. I mean first of all, building a wall is impossible. It is literally impossible. Where are the details, Rockefeller? He has none. La Reconquista will continue apace.
Rockefeller Fantoche: And we’ve got some breaking news just in, another explosion, this time in France, as a dark-haired and dark-skinned Frenchmen yelled “allahu akbar” as he --
Zip. The television is turned off, as Abraham Rothschild turns to Maximilian Birch and Karl Donitz in a hotel room in Roswell, New Mexico.
Maximilian Birch: Do you think we should publicize the rumors that Fonda is a closeted homosexual?
Karl Donitz: We’ve been pushing this whole tolerance thing for so long, it might backfire on us at this point. Everyone loves the homos. It might even win him votes.
Abraham Rothschild: Deep down, there are still a lot of normal, regular people in this country. We should keep it mind. Just in case.
Maximilian Birch: No need to worry just yet, but we do have that card to play.
Abraham Rothschild: I’m never not worried. They have us outnumbered, like they had the Annunaki outnumbered. Anuddah shoah is always just around the corner.
Karl Donitz: We need that vimana more than ever. In the event we need to flee the planet.
Maximilian Birch: Don’t worry gentleman. Tomorrow, I will commandeer the vimana.
Hitler and the five marines are standing beneath the two vimanas.
Hitler: I know who you really are Oscar Combs!
Oscar: Oh yeah. Who am I?
Hitler: You’re great grandfather, Remus Combs, was born into slavery in America in 1854. He was very old when I met him. He would regale me with tales of picking cotton and playing impish tricks on his master as a very young boy. Of course he was freed -
Oscar: Wait hol up hol up (smacks lips), you sayin you knew my great-grandfather?
Hitler: Knew him? Why he was a great source of spiritual and inspirational guidance to me! I met him after the first World War when I was organizing in Munich. He had a long and strange story. He had worked on the Titanic as a coal shoveler when it struck an iceberg and sunk in 1912. He had been presumed dead, but he actually survived! In the course of many strange adventures and guided by some kind of magical owls, he found himself in Antarctica where he met a mystical and magnificent people living inside of the earth! Those people granted Remus magical powers.
Oscar: Sheeeit! You saying my great-grandfather was your magical negro?
Hitler: I don’t know this term “magical negro,” but when I met him, your great-grandfather was a janitor at a beer hall in Munich. He would mop the floors and sometimes shine the shoes. He just sort of appeared one day, and helped me overcome my struggles. He was patient and had an attitude of serenity and good cheer. He would offer me his earthy folk-wisdom and sage guidance. He helped me to recognize my faults and to overcome them. He taught me to be a better person. Ultimately, he sacrificed himself so that I could fake my own death and hopefully, one day, save the world from the reptiles!
Oscar: Sheeeit! You sho that ain’t some Morgan Freeman movie you seen?
Hitler: Hahaha no.
Hitler places his hand on Oscar’s shoulder in a friendly and paternal manner.
Hitler: Now why do you dishonor your ancestors with this minstrel act Oscar? What has happened? What is wrong?
Oscar: Forget it.
Oscar pushes Hitler’s hand away.
Hitler: Ok. Oscar. I know that you’re not ready yet. But I’m here for you. I really believe that you will be the key to saving the world from the peril that we face.
Oscar as a high-school student walks into the living room where his father, Cosby Combs, is reading a newspaper and sipping a tumbler of whiskey, while his mother, Claire Combs, thumbs through recipes in a cooking magazine.
Oscar: Hey Mom. Hey Dad, check out this comic book I made. It’s about these real hood niggaz who find a time machine and save the world from Aliens in the future.
Cosby Combs: Son, you need to focus on your studies. The SAT’s are tomorrow. You can’t be fooling around with this nonsense.
Oscar: But dad…
Cosby Combs: But nothing. Do you want to get into Harvard? Do you want to make something of yourself like your mother and I? Or do you want to be a bum? The world is full of reptiles who want to watch you fail. Now get back to your studies!
Oscar: Yes sir.
Claire Combs: Your comic book looks very funny Oscar. You’re very talented.
Oscar: Thanks mom.
Oscar hugs his mother and then goes up the stairs to his room to study.
Cosby Combs: You shouldn’t encourage the boy in these aimless pursuits.
Claire Combs: Oh Cosby, let him have a little fun. It’s not harming anything.
It is late and Hitler and the five marines are now sitting around a fire talking. Their vimanas are in the background.
Hitler: As I was saying, your vimana is powered by Deus Vult, as such you have very little control over its destination.
Gordon: What’s Deus Vult?
Hitler: The literal translation is ‘God’s will.’ It is sent where it is intended to go by a power and intelligence greater than our own.
Bob: So that thing sends us where God wants us to go, is that it?
Hitler: Essentially that is how it operates. You can not override it. To operate it, you must accept god’s will.
Bob: Why doesn’t God want us to go home?
Hitler: God has something planned for you. Tell me about your adventures so far. Who you have met and what you have done.
The marines exchange glances.
Bob: Well, we were exploring some caves in Afghanistan…
Oscar and his parents are at a very expensive restaurant where the tables are covered in white linens.
Cosby Combs: I’m proud of you boy. A Harvard man just like your mother and me.
Oscar: Thanks Dad.
Cosby Combs: Don’t be so glum boy. For the next four years you’ll be rubbing elbows with the nation’s future elite. With some hard work, you’ll be able to accomplish the same things your mother and I have accomplished.
Just then the waiter arrived.
Waiter: Good evening, we are featuring today a rosemary and orange Slow roasted duck -
Cosby: I don’t care about your specials. Bring us a bottle of Salon blank day blank Champagne.
Waiter: Very good sir.
Cosby: Also I have a question.
Waiter: Yes sir.
Cosby: I’m looking at this French paella, but I don’t want any of these mules or this andouille or this shrimp.
Waiter: Mules sir?
Cosby: Yeah right here it says mules.
Waiter: Oh yes, moules, that is mussells sir.
Cosby: Yeah I don’t want it. I just want the chicken. I don’t want any of that other crap.
Waiter: The paella with just the chicken sir?
Cosby: Yeah can you do that? I don’t like any of that other crap.
Waiter: I will double-check with the chef sir.
Claire: And this salad beet and arugula salad with walnuts and blue cheese?
Waiter: Yes madame?
Claire: Can I get that with ranch dressing and can I substitute the arugula for romaine and the blue cheese for shredded parmesan?
Waiter: Yes madame.
Claire: And can I substitute the walnuts for croutons?
Waiter: Yes madame.
Claire: And I don’t like beets. What can I get instead?
Waiter: Artichoke, tomato, olives… whatever you like madame.
Claire: Do you have mango?
Waiter: I will check with the chef madame but we do have mandarin oranges.
Claire: Mmmm… I don’t know… Check if you have mangoes.
Waiter: I will madame.
Cosby: Good and bring us some more bread.
Waiter: Very good sir.
(The waiter walks off.)
Claire: Oscar, I can’t tell you how proud your father and I were when we saw that acceptance letter in the mail today.
Oscar: Thanks mom. I just want to make you happy.
Cosby: Then focus on your studies boy. Stop degenerating yourself with that comic book nonsense.
Hitler and the Marines are sitting around the fire. Bob has just finished filling Hitler in on their adventures.
Hitler: Ekklesia huh? Very interesting.
Gordon: Do you know what it means?
Hitler: Unfortunately I don’t. If only Maria Orzich were here… but it’s no good. It doesn’t matter. I had men working with the autistics you know, conducting experiments and studies. I thought it was my big advantage, but I was double-crossed!
Mike: Calm down there Hitler! You’re kind of scary when you get too animated. Tends to remind us of all the genociding you got up to back in the day.
Hitler: I’m not perfect, but I never killed anyone, which is more than I can say for the lot of you!
The marines glance at each other uneasily.
Oscar: Sheeit! I never killed no one!
Everyone else is silent, staring at their laps.
Oscar: What? Bob? Mike? Gordon? No way. Lily? Lily? Come on Lily not you? You ain’t kill anyone did you?
Lily (pauses): I did.
Bob: Me too.
Gordon: So did I.
Mike: I killed a bunch of people, and I don’t regret it for a second. They were a bunch of jerks!
Hitler: See guys. I’m not so bad.
At the restaurant with Oscar and his parents. They are finishing up dinner. The bottle of champaign sits mostly undrank while they finish up a bottle of white zinfandel.
Cosby: Now the thing is boy you’ve got be careful. You’re going to be rubbing elbows with a lot of the same people that stole our prima materia and turned our people into slaves.
Claire: Oh Cosby! You’ve had too much to drink.
Cosby: I have not had too much to drink. We wuz kangz boy! We wuz kangz! Back in Egypt we were the true Israelites with a covenant with god!
Waiter: Pardon me sir, is everything okay over here?
Claire: Pardon you?
Waiter: I’m sorry?
Claire: My husband is a federal judge and I am a Vice-President at a Fortune 500 company! You do not come over here and talk to us like we’re a couple of field niggers on your plantation! I want to speak to the manager!
Waiter (rolls eyes): Oh boy. (Walks off)
Cosby: We eatin’ free now boy!
Manager approaches the table.
Manager: Good evening, how may I help you this evening?
Claire: That manager was very rude! Very rude. My husband is a federal judge. We should not be spoken to in this rude and condescending manner!
Manager: I’m sorry ma’am. It seems as though your husband had become a little agitated and loud and your server…
Claire: White people never have a little too much to drink? White people don’t get a little loud? You don’t treat white people like field niggers do you!
Manager: I apologize madame…
Claire: Is it free? Is this free?
Manager: Certainly madame. (The manager bows slightly, then turns and rolls his eyes muttering “oh god” under his breath. And exits.)
Back at the campsite with Hitler and the five marines.
Hitler: And you’re not so bad either Oscar. See, all of these people killed someone. What’s the worst thing you ever did?
Oscar: I guess the worst thing I ever did was make my mother cry. I threw my life away for nothing. I fucked up. I… I had everything handed to me… and I just chose to be a nigger. I could’ve went to Harvard you know… I could’ve made my mother proud…
Hitler: It’s ok Oscar. (He pats Oscar on the back). It’s ok. I think we’ve talked enough. Why don’t we go get that white ephesia?
The camera zooms over a desert landscape dotted with pyramids. And then focuses on a desert scene where a shirtless black man who looks exactly like Oscar wears a crown and is being fanned by two naked nubian beauties holding palm leaves. Another black man approaches. He is wearing a white robe with strange symbols adorning it.
Enger Darnell: What is it Pawah Tyrone?
Pawah Tyrone: Magi have arrived.
Enger Darnell: From where do they come?
Pawah Tyrone: They come from our ancestral lands.
Enger Darnell: What is it they seek?
Pawah Tyrone: They seek an audience with your majesty, the enger. The one who calls himself Hitler is among them.
Enger Darnell: Then they want the white ephesia. It is out of the question. Send them away.
Pawah Tyrone. You should see them, your majesty. One of them appears to be your cousin.
Enger Darnell: Sheeeit!
The five marines are standing in the shade under Hitler’s vimana in the desert next to a pyramid. They are guarded by a group of black Africans in white robes. They are holding spears andStar of David symbols adorn their white robes.
Hitler: When we talk to the Pharaoh, I’m going to need you to do the talking Oscar.
Oscar: Sheeeit! Why me?
Hitler: You’ll see.
Bob: What is this place anyway? Are we in ancient Egpyt? I thought we couldn’t travel back in time without the white ephesia?
Hitler: (sighs) It’s not exactly ancient Egypt. Thousands of years ago the true Israelites ruled in Egypt. But they were subverted by the reptiles and had their prima materia stolen from them. They were turned into slaves and condemned to toil and hardship. But the Pharaoh and some others escaped in their spacecraft with the last of the white ephesia! They settled here and rebuilt their society, and have lived in harmony and peace ever since.
Oscar: I heard that story before.
Hitler: The reptiles don’t know that they still exist, and they are afraid that if they find out about them that it will be the end of their peaceful existence here!
Lily: Maybe we should just let them live in peace. Don’t you think they deserve that?
Hitler: The Reptiles will find out about them one way or the other and they will come for the white ephesia. The Reptiles will not rest until they rule over the entire universe like gods. We serve a higher purpose! We must do what is necessary and if that entails struggle, than struggle we must!
Mike: There you go again Adolf. How about you take it down a notch.
Nakht Damarcus approaches.
Nakht: His highness, Enger Darnell will see you.
Hitler: Wunderbar! Remember Oscar. Our success will depend on you! Our fate is in your hands!
In the hotel room in Roswell, New Mexico, Karl Donitz, Maximilian Birch, and Abraham Rothschild smoke cigars and sip whiskey.
Karl Donitz: Well, tomorrow is the big day. The Annunaki are supposed to send the five marines home in a vimana, and we are to send five Annunaki back.
Abraham Rothschild: Are we ready to lay the trap?
Maximilian Birch: More than ready. I don’t expect the Annunaki to send more than a pilot and a copilot with the marines, but we are ready with a full platoon. We will have that vimana!
Karl Donitz: Of course this will mean war. Palantine will be pissed!
Maximilian Birch: Who cares? Keeping the Annunaki invasion a secret from the people will be his problem just as it was Truman and Eisenhower’s.
Karl Donitz: You know much of my work requires a good deal of cooperation from the cattle Max. I’m just saying. It creates new tensions when we have quite a bit on our plate already.
Abraham Rothschild: But it is worth it to finally have a Vimana of our own. The entire universe is ripe for the taking!
Maximilian Birch: Think of all the subversion!
All three men lean back and close their eyes, rubbing their faces with their hands in ecstasy.
Hitler and the Marines enter the throne room of Enger Darnell. He sits atop a throne, wearing a jeweled crown and a red silk cape over his bare torso and white linen slacks. The two naked black nubian’s stand at his side.
Pawah Tyrone: Your Majesty, Enger Darnell, I present the magi.
Enger Darnell: Greetings. I understand that you have travelled a great distance. Please, state your business.
Oscar: Sheeeit! We really wuz kangs an sheeit.
Enger Darnell: You have the blood of the Engers. I understand that those of us who did not make it have suffered cruelly through misery and famine. I am truly sorry.
Oscar: Sheeit! You look just like me! Like looking in a mirror an sheeit!
Enger Darnell: Indeed. Pawah Tyrone believes that we shared a common ancestor.
Oscar: Sheeit! One brotha get on tha ship one get leff behine.
Hitler: Greetings again, Enger Darnell. We have brought gifts. Gold as well as various herbs. So that we may entreaty…
Enger Darnell: What about dat white girl. She lookin fine. (he whistles)
Lily smiles and blushes.
Hitler: Unfortunately, your highness. We are unable to make that kind of a transaction.
Enger Darnell: Then why should I give you the white ephesia. You think we just have extra white ephesia that we don’t know what to do with? You think we just a bunch of ignorant monkeys dat wanna rape your precious hyperborean women? Look at dese nubian beauties. The most beautiful women in the world!
Oscar: Sheeit cuz. It ain’t like dat. We jes trying to set things right. You know back on earf things is all messed up an sheeeit. And we need yo help an sheeeit. Cuz dem reptiles has got to be beaten an we need that white ethelias. Sheeit.
Enger Darnell: Awww sheeit. Cuz you speak with great eloquence. I cain say no to family cain I? How much white epheneas ya’ll need?
Hitler: Wunderbar! Oscar you did it! I knew we could count on you!
He slaps Oscar on the back, and Oscar grins sheepishly.
Set sits atop his throne. Two aliens are in the throne room with him. They communicate with each other telepathically. Their dialogue appears on the screen in subtitles.
Alien1: The Reptilians will be expecting us to return the soldiers tomorrow. Are you sure that we should continue to trust Hitler? I think he is getting too big for his monkey pants.
Set: It doesn’t matter. I was never going to give those soldiers back to the Reptiles. Rothschild must think I am a fool to fall for such a transparent trap! He is part monkey too that must be what makes him so foolish!
Alien2: But Hitler is off getting white ephesia from the Israelites. If he succeeds, the balance of power will shift considerably in his favor! We should have kept those soldiers as hostages.
Set: Those hostages are worth nothing to Hitler and they are worth nothing to the Reptiles. Hitler has been using us for his own purposes. I know that! But he will never accomplish his aims. He won’t know what to do with the white ephesia without our help, and if he comes back here with that white ephesia…
All three aliens start laughing.
Alien1: It will no longer be his white ephesia.
Alien2: Meanwhile, the Reptiles will be confused. They won’t know why we didn’t return the soldiers like we said we would.
Set: There will be no confusion. Tomorrow we violate the treaty. Tomorrow we invade.
On the next episode of FRAYED:
- Mobilize the Apaches and deploy the USWs. We got a hairy one on our hands.
- You heard the lady. Fuck you Hitler.
- We will never be slaves! We will destroy those snakes and cleanse our nation!
- Nice to see you again Gordon.
- What are we going to do? I’ll tell you what we are going to do… We are going to kill god.